Another day has passed.

Some things, like memories, are not easy to write about. I know that memory is a wonderful thing yet it can be quite frightening in its scope. My memories seem to be activated at random, as I presume happens to others. All of a sudden a memory is there without seemingly being called. While others have to be dragged from wherever they reside. 

While the time spent without Magucha has not been easy, time can be kind. It dulls the pain. Sort of. But the ache remains, as do the memories. They always will. 

But the curious in me wants to know so many things. One thing has bothered me, even though I think I have worked it out – why we/I grieve. Grief hurts in many ways but it’s all about me! It’s about my hurt; my loss; my feelings. 

I should be glad that Magucha no longer suffers; I should be glad that she is no longer burdened by the trappings and necessities of life, as we live it. I am - but it is not easy!

That her love; that her emotional strength; that her mischievous sense of humour; that her deep and sensitive knowledge of the needs of others; that all this has just disappeared into "nothing" is beyond my understanding. 

Of course it is a given that I have absolutely no idea what has "happened" to her. I have the strong conviction though, that when we die we still “exist”, obviously without the bodily form we used when “alive”. The essence that was/is us continues. That essence, that “Life”, has returned to wherever it came from.

All I know is that (in the words of the song) “Loving her was easier than anything I’ll ever do again”.

The Eyes Have it.

It is always the eyes – blue, brown, hazel or green. Generally the first thing anyone does when meeting another is to make contact with their eyes. A great deal can be gleaned from eye contact. Anger; coldness or indifference; surprise; longing; stubbornness; pleading; sadness; fear; hatred; love – the whole gambit of human emotions are expressed in and through the eyes.

Eyes are a window into the soul.

The one that always affects me is eyes that express hurt. Eyes that ask “what did you do that for – that hurt me”? Not just with fellow humans but with our fellow beings. Such an expression always cuts me to the quick and stays with me for a very long time.

I can remember the expression in the eyes of a cat that, for reasons I need not explain, I had to put down even though it was healthy and quite young. It looked over its shoulder with an expression of “why is this happening – why are you doing this to me?” I took the cowards way out and did not stay to witness the end – I just couldn’t!

Likewise when I have hurt someone close to me, particularly family members – it always affects me deeply. Particularly if there are tears. Their look of disbelief and hurt, telling me that I have (possibly and hopefully just temporarily) weakened the bond of trust between us always pulls me up short. It makes me reflect on aspects of myself that are sometimes quite unpleasant – matters relating to my ego and who I think I am or who I believe myself to be. And make me ask myself the question – “Why did I do or say that?”

Generally such moments are brought about by my thoughtlessness and not with “malice aforethought”. I really do try never to hurt anyone – obviously I don’t always succeed!