Father Time - On growing old (or older).

Some people have a fear about growing old. They try to ignore it or fight it with every means at their disposal. We can see this in the plethora of programmes on TV showing how people go about getting a personal ‘make-over’ and teams given seven days to get someone to look ten years younger, and such like. The only ones who really benefit from all this are the medicos, advertisers and the TV stations.

The trouble is this is a losing battle and a ‘fight’ that can never be won! We all grow old. This is just an inescapable fact of nature. Some, particularly women it seems to me, may find this difficult to accept but inevitably they will grow old – and, with time, they will show it. Why not just accept the inexorable passage of Time? It was not called Father Time for nothing. Time has to be respected, in fact respect is demanded on pain of death!

We all have a mental image of what we look like; possibly how we would like to appear, to both ourselves and others. We all try to look our best - for us. But it is how we feel that makes the difference, and is what really counts in the long run.

I have found that the older I become, my expectations alter accordingly. I know there are certain activities I am no longer capable of doing, at least not to the same level of enthusiasm and ability as before. I know that I no longer have that grace and fluidity of movement that is part of being young. My muscles, certainly, are not as strong as they used to be; my tendons have lost much of their elasticity and my joints have stiffened somewhat and now I have my recently replaced knee joint – made from titanium. But I certainly do not feel ‘old’ – whatever that is supposed to feel like. My mind is still quite active and I hope to keep it that way by studying (psychology in my case) and writing as much as I can.

Age also has the benefit of allowing hindsight – I have nearly eight decades of experience to draw upon. Age also mellows expectations; life no longer has that intensity and urgency of youth. In the great scheme of things, if something does not happen today, or tomorrow, does it really matter?

There is another benefit that comes with age; age, in most cases, brings with it some wisdom; some ability to see further into life’s situations and to accept them for what they are. One learns to understand that everything has its place in the creation and what is more important, everything comes to pass; even life itself.

Peace of mind comes with this acceptance.

To me a good life consists of living for each day, being content with my lot (whatever ‘hand of cards fate has dealt’ me), not trying to change the world to suite my reduced capabilities but to adapt to the situation or circumstance as it is presented.

Most important of all time must be spent in developing and maintaining good relationships with family and friends – what and where would we be without them! It goes without saying that part of building and maintaining relationships is helping others, as best one can, to understand what life means, particularly children, because they are the future.

It would be a pleasing and satisfying thought, for me, if my life’s work may have contributed, in some small way, to my leaving this world a better place than I found it when I was born – right in the early years of the Second World War! But I am not building up my hopes too high!!

My freedom stops where yours begins

I wonder if you have ever thought about the true importance of the rather glib saying, “Your freedom stops where mine begins?” It is so simple yet it is actually quite profound and has equally profound implications.

It is at the same time rather vague and yet very definite. To me, this statement has relationships at the core of its meaning. By relationships I am never just referring to intimate relationships but to the broader meaning – our relationship with the world around us; how we deal with our fellow beings.

We all understand this statement and its implications and in our own way we follow it. While I am no lawyer, it seems that this statement is the basis of all laws; it is at the core of our understanding of ‘justice’ – what applies to me must of necessity also apply to you. It is at the core of our understanding of the term ‘criminal’ – someone who by their actions has, by deception or other means, wrongfully deprived me of something which belonged to me, which is rightfully mine or for which I had had a duty of care to protect (this, of course also includes the ‘worst’ crime of all, murder - depriving another of their life). It is at the core of the word ‘cruelty’ – wilfully causing pain and suffering to another being.

I cannot think of anything else because ‘justice’, ‘criminal’ and ‘cruelty’ covers just about everything. The Laws we enact are supposed to help the practitioners of the Law to draw the line at the point where my ‘freedom’ (to do what I like) stops and your ‘freedom’ (to do what you like) begins. This is not always an easy task, hence the plethora of laws, rules regulations and other constraints placed on our ‘freedom’ to live our lives as we see fit.

To understand the statement it may help to recall what Confucius had to say about justice and laws some twenty-seven centuries ago:

“If you govern the people by laws, and keep them in order by penalties, they will avoid the penalties, yet lose their sense of shame. But if you govern them by your moral excellence, and keep them in order by your dutiful conduct, they will retain their sense of shame, and also live up to this standard.”

So should this standard of ‘moral excellence’ come from the top down – from those who govern us, or from the bottom up – we tell those who govern us what to do? Or should we all do the ‘right’ thing?

Interesting.

What is it all for?

What is it all for? Life I mean. What makes us happy? What brings contentment or joy? Money? – I don’t think so. Possessions? – again I don’t think so. Position of eminence in the world? – not necessarily. You may have all those and good on you. You have worked hard and saved hard. But without good personal relationships and at least some vague idea that there is more to Life than is presented to us on a daily basis, then I believe that happiness will prove to be elusive.

My personal belief is that there is a great deal more to life than I currently understand, or perhaps more accurately, than I am prepared to admit in my heart of hearts. The other day I heard from a man who, to take advantage of the worlds demands for ‘bio-fuels’ has a large recently cleared area, now a palm oil plantation, on the island of Sarawak. What appalled me was his blasé comment that he, and his family, has employed hunters to ‘cull’ elephants that used to graze in the area, now his plantation.

This gave me pause for thought. At the end of the day, of our allotted span of life, can any of us look back with pride at our achievements? Can I? If there is more to life than making money how do I find it – what should I do? I need to rely on my own resources. This must be my own journey of discovery.

If relationships are so important to our well being is it just relationships with other humans or does nature feature as well? “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamed of in your philosophy” (Shakespeare – Hamlet).

In this secular age I am reluctant to deviate from the ‘norm’ and introduce anything other than secular topics. But I feel sure there is more to Life than secularism.

All the ancient devotional writings, known to us as scriptures, and all the philosophical writings from ancient India, Persia, Egypt, Greece, Palestine and China, all great literature and poetry, and all great art, all start with the premise that the basis of life is spiritual. They all attempt to inspire the reader or viewer to look beyond the immediate, apparent existence, to something more. That man has a soul; that love is the driving force. This was never questioned.

Plato, in his dialogue ‘Phaedo’ (Jowett translation), expresses this very eloquently when, discussing the soul and its continued existence, Socrates said, “If death had only been the end of all, the wicked would have had a good bargain in dying, for they would have been happily quit not only of their body, but of their evil together with their souls.”

I have my beliefs and they influence what I write. I know it cannot be just love for another human – it must be love for all sentient beings. This is a hard lesson to learn.

Perfect or Complete

Why is it that when I achieve a goal in life, or something I have striven for, I am often dissatisfied or have a feeling of anti-climax? Is it because I always seem to strive for perfection instead of completeness? Perfection is an impossibility, given the human condition. Completeness on the other hand is quite feasible – difficult but feasible.

What then is completeness? To be quite honest I am not sure. I know that it will be reached by my trying to be more of a human’ being’ rather than a human ‘doer’. It will mean facing my faults head on. It will mean me taking full responsibility for my actions. It will mean me trying to be more aware of the impact that the things I do and say, will have on others. It means, in other words that I have to try to be more ethical in my relationships. It means treating others the way I would like to be treated. 

We have a relationship, of some sort at least, with everyone we meet – our dentist, friends, shop attendants, our motor mechanic, family members - who ever.

This does not mean just reading a book on self improvement, though that would be a start! Any change must come from a deep desire to change for the better, and we can all get ‘better’!! I know that it is hard to accept, but it is not possible to grasp at some "self improvement" idea and apply it externally like an ointment, and expect to get ‘better’. I know some people (myself included) who will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own being (souls?). Practice yoga, go on a new diet, or mechanically intone a mystic text from some arcane publication - all because they cannot (or will not) get on with understanding themselves, and they have not the slightest faith that anything useful could ever come out of their own beings (souls?).

We all can do it, we can all improve. It means, as George Bernard Shaw is reported to have said, “To dream of things that never were and ask ‘Why not?’”

Are your relationships OK?

Relationships are funny things. We can think that everything is OK in our relationship with our spouse, partner, children, work mates, friends or whoever. But is it really so?

We must be fair in our relationships – treat others as you would like to be treated – is the best way. This really means good communications. Tell people how you feel; if you are upset; if you are angry; if you are disappointed with something they have done. But you have to expect to get similar treatment! To have others telling you how they feel!

The other day a lady came to see me. She was in a bit of a panic. Some days earlier she had been at the breakfast table with her husband of many years. He had recently retired, she had just seen the last of their children leave home, so they were in an ‘empty nest’ situation. She had spent the best part of the last twenty five years looking after the children, while her husband had been working. The situation was that as she was eating her breakfast she looked at her husband (who was reading the paper) and thought, “I know your name but I don’t know you! I don’t know your favourite colour. I don’t know your real likes and dislikes. I don’t know what moves you, what makes you happy, what makes you sad. I just don’t know you!” For years they had been dealing with each other in a superficial way. No REAL discussions on their thoughts, or views, or how they felt on anything meaningful. They had not communed (ie communicated) for years!! It was actually quite sad.

Now that they only had themselves to deal with she got scared. How was she going to handle this? Now that he was, as it were, divorced from the self worth of his job, and she from the daily care of the children, she realised they had nothing in common. Their relationship was in need of some radical treatment.

Are you like that?

What started me off on ethics

It all started with a supermarket shopping trolley. I was irritated with a trolley at our local supermarket, abandoned, in the middle of the only vacant parking spot that I could find. As I got out of the car to move the offending item, I mentally reviled those people who have no consideration for others and are probably self interested, unethical, and obviously lazy. Then, at the end of my visit to that shopping centre, I caught myself about to do that very same thing – abandon the very trolley that had earlier started me off, and which I had used!!

This set me thinking about what ‘made’ me perform actions, or think the thoughts I did, which may or may not be charitable toward others. What I discovered about myself was not very pleasing. But it started me on an enquiry into the why and wherefore of thinking and the actions, ethical or unethical, that stem from those thoughts.

This subject is as old as mankind, and that is what, at first, bothered me. If people had been thinking similar thoughts, and investigating their causes, for millennia, why was it that I had not, seemingly, progressed very far? My problem seemed similar to that of many, as witnessed by the daily reports in the media.

This is a never ending quest, which every person, and every generation seems to have to learn anew; it is one which has led me down many devious byways. All the paths trodden, all the well used roads I travelled, appeared to lead, ultimately, in one general direction; toward the inescapable conclusion that all thoughts and all actions have a purpose, and that purpose should not be centred on me; that there is a higher purpose, which each one of us has to discover for ourselves. That purpose is more enduring, more important than most of us realize, while engaged on our daily ‘grind’. It is how we live our lives and form our relationships with other wayfarers we meet on our life’s journey. It touches on the very purpose of life itself.