Happiness or Dispair

Why is it that we all seem to identify ourselves with what we possess? We feel that the more we possess (and bigger and faster) the better we are and the happier we will be. This just does not work. It never has and it never will.

Just think about it. Happiness is something that we can never programme – it is there or it is not. It arises from within each of us. It cannot be ‘pushed’ in from the outside. It arises from within us - from our thoughts. There is a saying, and I don’t know where it is from, but it says, “A person’s worth is not how much they have, or even what they have made or done, but who they are.”

If you are not happy within yourself then nothing, and I repeat nothing, will make you happy. Winning a million dollars will certainly give you pleasure – you will be able to satisfy your desires but it will not bring you happiness. Pleasures are superficial and all external – such as food, alcohol, drugs, extreme sports and casual sex. They need to be repeated because desires can never be satisfied.

Happiness comes from peace and a contented and tranquil mind and an understanding of who you are, your ethics, morals values and virtues.

Today’s financial turmoil just emphasises my point. Too many people identified themselves with money and ‘stuff’ and not with other human beings. This can only cause problems. Human beings make us happy – things don’t. Relationships make us happy, possessing something does not. Possessing something brings its own set of problems and worries because our possessions can be taken away from us – we can lose them. We then start to think that, “If I lose my possessions I am diminished as a human being and become nothing because I have lost all I had.”

Relationships also have their problems of course. But a good relationship with someone, a friend, is worth any amount of money.

The answer is to develop good relationships :–

“It matters little,” she said, softly. “To you, very little. Another idol has displaced me; and if it can cheer and comfort you in time to come, as I would have tried to do, I have no just cause to grieve.”

“What Idol has displaced you?” he rejoined.

“A golden one.” (from ‘A Christmas Carol’ by Charles Dickens).

Harmony and nature.

What is more natural than harmony? Nature, as in the natural world, is harmonious – its colours, its sounds, the very balance between the various elements of earth, water, air and fire (warmth) are just right for us and the animals and creatures that inhabit this beautiful planet. It is inherent in the music of the spheres. Why then do we humans seem to be hell bent on upsetting the balance, and creating disharmony? What can I, you, we, do about it?

The first thing to remember is that for there to be balance and harmony in our lives we need to be balanced and harmonious within ourselves. We must be balanced and in harmony with ourselves, with who we are – remember we are the most important person in our lives. Finding this balance, establishing harmony is a never ending process. It is a journey of discovery and the most important that we will ever undertake.

By harmony and balance I mean that we each understand our place in the world, that we are part of humanity, that we are not better (or worse), or more important, than anyone else. That each of us has our place and our contribution to make in the great scheme of things. I am not sure that we need to ask the question, “Why?” all we need to do is to do our best.

If there is no balance, no harmony in your life, how will you see the necessity to have harmony and balance in the world generally? You can’t! Some readers may have realised that I like poetry and if you follow the full meaning of the following lines I don’t believe that you or anyone will go too far off balance, or be too ‘disharmonised’:-

“Beauty is truth, truth beauty,” – that is all

Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. (John Keats)

Taxi Drivers in Perth

The city of Perth in Western Australia has a taxi problem. A burgeoning economy, a single very busy airport with an annual growth in passenger numbers in the region of 13% and a shortage of taxis (and drivers).

Many of the taxi drivers that are recruited (as in many cities around the world) come from divers countries in Africa, the Middle East and South East Asia. (I was born in Africa and I drove a taxi in Perth for about three years).

Now many of the people from these countries have enmities with neighbouring countries and tribes within the same country, going back generations. Those of the Muslim faith (may they prosper) have little or nothing to do with non-Muslims (may they also prosper). Then there are the divisions between members of the different sects within Islam. Nothing wrong with that either – Christians are just as bad.

Part of the problem, however, is that even though they abandoned their countries because of persecution of some sort, religious or tribal, many have brought their troubles with them. One would have hoped that in a new country (Australia) a new start could be made; draw a line in the sand, as it were, and start afresh. But no. In the Perth taxi world these much travelled troubles sometimes erupt into arguments and fights between the various ethnic and religious groups to the detriment of the service the taxi drivers are there to provide. And then there are the prayer times. Again good on them – more people should pray. But surely, not at the cost of someone else’s inconvenience? These prayer times interrupt the usual flow of the taxis from the waiting ‘paddock’, feeding into the airport rank. Those who went to pray lose their places in the ranking order (first to come, first to go). This causes a great deal of ill feeling and dissention. I mean is there such a thing as prayerful ill feeling? Or prayerful dissention? Sounds like an oxymoron to me.

Surely, surely the great God (Allah, Jehovah, Krishna, or the Absolute) who made us all does not really mind when we pray, as long as we do? I am certain that He (She) would not object to a deferment of a prayer to enable a service to be provided to another of His (Her) subjects, namely a fare waiting for a ride home after a long flight.

What is needed is some commonsense (a scarce commodity now-a-days) and some tolerance, both cornerstones of all great faiths. When all is said and done – where is God?

Some understanding of the need for ethical conduct in the taxi industry would not be amiss, and might restore some harmony in what is not an easy industry to earn a living.

I am always right! Right?

Why do we always like to be right? Is it ego or lack of self confidence that needs the boost of correctness?

Someone came to me the other day with a problem. His father treats him abominably – in that the son can never do anything right. In his father’s eyes he always needs to be corrected in anything he says or does. Arguments arise, harsh words are said and there is ill feeling all round. Why? For what purpose?

This sort of attitude, all too common I might add, benefits no one; not the person diminished by being ‘corrected’ in front of his family, nor the ‘corrector’. The ‘corrector’s’ attitudes are entrenched and the ill will felt by the son towards his father is reinforced. The result is stress all round. No one is happy. The father tries to control his son, the son resents the attempted control. The father gets angry because his control is resisted and the son resents the unwarranted interference. As I say, what for?

Unfortunately this type of situation arises frequently in the workplace. We have all met an office bully at some time or another. Strutting around, loud mouth, opinionated, full of bluster and of course always right. If a situation arises in which there may be (God forbid) the possibility of error – then the shouting begins and it is all YOUR FAULT. The fault cannot possibly lie with the person who is always right. He, or she, must keep control of the situation. To do otherwise is to admit a failure, an error, and this cannot be. Result is again unhappiness all round.

Relationships, relationships, relationships, it is all about relationships. Relationships should unify, not divide. Relationships should be supportive not divisive. Good relations with your family, neighbours, with your workmates, your teammates, make life so much easier. Unless the interference or attempted control is life threatening let it go through to the keeper. Don’t fight it. In the great scheme of things it is not worth a row of beans. Your happiness is worth a great deal more than some opinionated idiot. So all together now, "Treat others as you would like to be treated".

What is it all for?

What is it all for? Life I mean. What makes us happy? What brings contentment or joy? Money? – I don’t think so. Possessions? – again I don’t think so. Position of eminence in the world? – not necessarily. You may have all those and good on you. You have worked hard and saved hard. But without good personal relationships and at least some vague idea that there is more to Life than is presented to us on a daily basis, then I believe that happiness will prove to be elusive.

My personal belief is that there is a great deal more to life than I currently understand, or perhaps more accurately, than I am prepared to admit in my heart of hearts. The other day I heard from a man who, to take advantage of the worlds demands for ‘bio-fuels’ has a large recently cleared area, now a palm oil plantation, on the island of Sarawak. What appalled me was his blasé comment that he, and his family, has employed hunters to ‘cull’ elephants that used to graze in the area, now his plantation.

This gave me pause for thought. At the end of the day, of our allotted span of life, can any of us look back with pride at our achievements? Can I? If there is more to life than making money how do I find it – what should I do? I need to rely on my own resources. This must be my own journey of discovery.

If relationships are so important to our well being is it just relationships with other humans or does nature feature as well? “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamed of in your philosophy” (Shakespeare – Hamlet).

In this secular age I am reluctant to deviate from the ‘norm’ and introduce anything other than secular topics. But I feel sure there is more to Life than secularism.

All the ancient devotional writings, known to us as scriptures, and all the philosophical writings from ancient India, Persia, Egypt, Greece, Palestine and China, all great literature and poetry, and all great art, all start with the premise that the basis of life is spiritual. They all attempt to inspire the reader or viewer to look beyond the immediate, apparent existence, to something more. That man has a soul; that love is the driving force. This was never questioned.

Plato, in his dialogue ‘Phaedo’ (Jowett translation), expresses this very eloquently when, discussing the soul and its continued existence, Socrates said, “If death had only been the end of all, the wicked would have had a good bargain in dying, for they would have been happily quit not only of their body, but of their evil together with their souls.”

I have my beliefs and they influence what I write. I know it cannot be just love for another human – it must be love for all sentient beings. This is a hard lesson to learn.

Wall St Road Kill

Why do I get the feeling that America has lost something during the last two weeks of financial carnage? Something that will take a long time to regain and that is the “Moral High Ground”. The American moral high ground has not been very high for some years now (think Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay, and not being bound by the World Court decisions), but the last few days, to me as an interested and concerned outsider, has seen the US of A become another Wall St road kill victim.

The last thing I want to do is to seem sanctimonious or “holier than thou”, but if you forget people, and ignore humanity, in the broadest sense, then sometime down the line you are going to cop a hiding. If you ever think that you are better than anyone else, or know better, or put money or possessions before the welfare and well being of human beings, you might as well light a fuse – put a match to the blue paper and commend yourself to your ancestors. Ignore humanity, forget about people and something unpleasant is going to happen to you. It is just a matter of when. Dealing with people is about ethics, about building trust, about treating people the way you would like to be treated. Ethics is not a disposable item to be used only when deemed expedient.

People used to be taught from the fables and myths of the past. Not many read Aesop any more – more is the pity. Read this one, there is a lesson in it somewhere:

Aesop’s fable (CIV)

The goose with the golden eggs

Their was once a man who was lucky enough to own a goose that laid him a golden egg every day. However, since the process was so slow and since he wanted the entire treasure at once, he became dissatisfied and eventually killed the goose. After cutting her open, he found her to be just what any other goose would be.

The more you want the more you stand to lose

It is all about people, stupid

Nothing makes us more unhappy than to no longer be in control of our lives. When someone else (particularly some nameless, faceless person, somewhere) is controlling everything we do or say (at work or in the domestic environment) it causes a great deal of stress and unhappiness.

We seem now to have lost control of the financial situation. It is spinning out of control and who knows where it will end up – it is developing a momentum and life of its own. And many people are very unhappy indeed, because they have lost control.

Let me see if I can recall the basics of how this whole sorry saga developed: put simply, some bright sparks deep in some financial burrow dreamed up the idea of selling shonky mortgages to people who could not afford them. They then parcelled these with more secure financial products to make them appear more attractive. These reworked products were then on sold to other financial institutions to raise cash to, once more, repeat the whole process. Easy money!! Maybe. But the problem is that human beings were left out of the equation – they were denied, or lost, control of events in their lives. The pain and suffering caused by putting money before people is now only too evident.

The bright sparks of the financial world made their choices. They now have to live with the consequences. All because they forgot, or were never told, that human beings MUST come first in any business consideration. This is what ethics is all about, people like you and I. Without us there would be no business and no money – just remember that!

If you missed it the last time I wrote about it, read it here, now - there is NO viable alternative to ethical conduct. In anything you do, in business or otherwise, answer the following questions:

1. Are you treating everyone the way you would like to be treated?
2. If EVERYONE did what you are doing (or propose to do) would the world be a better place?

If you cannot answer “Yes” to both questions don’t do it. If you carry on and do it anyway expect the consequences, but don’t expect to like them! You cannot evade the Law of Cause and Effect.

It is not about the “Economy” stupid (nor “Money”, nor “Business”) it is about people – Human Beings!

Relationships and Happiness

Everyone wants to be happy. It is a natural state. Why is it then, that many people are actually not happy? I strongly believe that it is because of poor relationships. By relationship I do not just mean a sexual relationship. I mean any relationship.

We have relationships with our bank manager; the people in our sports club; our family doctor; our butcher, who puts aside for us special cuts of meat he knows we like; with our friends; our family – the list is endless, but most important of all, we have a relationship with ourselves.

And do not confuse acquaintances with relationships. Acquaintances spring up; are often casual and may not last long. An acquaintance may, of course, become a friend and a sound relation may flower. Relationships take time to develop. They need to be nurtured; to be allowed to grow and take their own course. A relationship can never be planned, or determined beforehand.

We all are in such a hurry nowadays. We “want it now”. We “need it now”. We “must have it now”. Why? Why the hurry, the urgency? I will tell you why – because we need to be distracted. We need to divert attention from ourselves, from our own possible shortcomings and failings. We crave the constant stimulation of new experiences, of new ‘relationships’ (often of a sexual nature), of new scenery, new places – constantly – new, new, new!

What sort of relationship do we have with ourselves that drives us on this never ending ‘treadmill’ of new experiences? Unless we are happy with ourselves, nothing, and I repeat nothing, will make us happy. How can it? Happiness is something internal, not external. External things give us pleasure – like casual sex, or substance abuse. But that is not happiness.

Happiness is contentment; to be grateful for who you are; to accept who you are and know that you are in control of your thoughts. Because it is our thoughts that make us happy, or unhappy. This is the nature of our relationship with ourselves. This is all internal, within ourselves.

Just look around and see if this is not true. Look at world leaders; at business leaders – are they happy? Just look at the havoc and consternation they have caused in the geo-political field – think, Iraq, Afghanistan, Georgia, Burma, Bosnia, Darfur, Zimbabwe, and then look at the mayhem in the economic/financial field – think Enron, WorldCom, Northern Rock, Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, and ...?

Now think your boss; people you know and family members. And now look at yourself and ask the same question about your own life. Are you happy? Don’t be scared, you can change you know – but only if you choose to do so. Learn to like yourself and what you are doing with your life. If you are not happy with that then change it. Remember that observation is the greatest agent for change. Observe yourself and changes will happen. Be happy!

More Threads in Life

I wrote about the threads in life last time. That was really a rather light hearted take on two days in my life and to draw attention to the unpredictability of life generally. There are, however, many far more serious events to talk about.

Take what has been going on in the American financial markets. This has to be the result of pure greed – more, more, MORE!! Sufficient is never enough. The threads that the various financiers drew together to weave the complex packages, now valueless, and at the centre of the current storm, had their links elsewhere. As the new packages were being carefully woven, something was unravelling in unimagined places – stretching to far flung corners of the world.

As I say this was pure greed. Money was not seen as the servant of Man. Man was seen as the servant of money. Money came first. Money was good and let people go hang! What was forgotten is that without people (human beings just like the originators and manipulators of these financial packages) there would be no money!

Money is, for God’s sake, just a medium of exchange. People are linked together – it’s called relationships. Money is what is used to equate the values of disparate items. It has no relationship with anything; money is something inert; it cannot make you happy or unhappy – that is reserved for what you do with it – what you exchange it for. You could very well use cowrie shells or different coloured stones, or for that matter just barter items.

As soon as people, human beings, are left out of the equation, are ignored or treated as unimportant, things start happening. It is called Hubris and Hubris calls the Law of Cause and Effect into play. I did not invent it – it just is. This is the basis of ethics and is behind the only rule for life, the Golden Rule, “Treat others the way you would like to be treated”. There is no viable alternative. You may also like to ask yourself the question, “If everyone, (yes everyone), did what I am doing, or propose to do, would the world be a better place?” If you are not applying the Golden rule and the answer to the question asked is, “No”, then what you are doing, or propose to do, is not ethical. Stop now – do not proceed beyond go. Remember what goes around comes around!

It may also be pertinent to ask why the Financial Regulators never saw this coming - were they asleep at the wheel?

Threads in Life

I never cease to be amazed at the (apparently) inexplicable twist and turns that life takes. What threads we pull and what we find attached at the other end.

Consider the last two days in my life. Two days ago I was ill, went to see my doctors and was given a note excusing me from work for two days. A perfectly normal occurrence. However this is where the plot thickens and events overtake whatever I had in mind. Instead of having a good sleep that night and recuperating on the second day I found myself waiting in the Emergency Department of a major hospital.

This is what happened. My son-in-law, call him David, a very active but Stoic man came home from work doubled over with pain. Now for him to show that sort of pain it must have been bad. His wife, call her Caroline, was concerned but thought that a good rest would help. The two of them normally do their grocery shopping on Thursday evenings, and my wife baby sits.

I was also there, expecting a quiet evening. Caroline went shopping by herself, even though my wife had volunteered to go with her. Under normal circumstances, if David was not well, this would have happened. Well, David got worse and started vomiting. At that point we both agreed that a possible bowel obstruction was the cause (my wife has knowledge of this life threatening and painful condition). I took him to ER and my wife waited for Caroline’s return. We obviously kept in touch by phone. Typical ER, you wait and wait. X-rays are taken then you wait. He finally went into observation at 1.00 am. I managed to ge some sleep the following day – my day for recuperation.

Quite amazing. Any other sequence of events could have led to a family catastrophe, but no one could ever have planned for this. (We were right, but he is now OK).

What does a warrantee mean?

The other day I bought a plastic lunch box from the local supermarket. Pasted on the side of the box was a brief message that the box had a “Lifetime Warrantee”. I accepted this at face value, paid for the box and took it home.

Only then did I start to think, what does the “Lifetime Warrantee” actually mean? My lifetime? The lifetime of the box?(You may well ask, “And how long is that?”). What would happen if the box broke and I contacted the manufacturers? “Well I am very sorry about that sir, but you see the box has reached the end of its life and the warrantee now no longer applies”. Ha!

It is all just spin. It gives the purchaser (me), I suppose, some fuzzy, feel good sense, that someone “out there” is protecting his interests. What a load of garbage.

All it actually does is to diminish the value of the word warrantee. Just as other words have been diminished – like “gay” for example. The word gay used to mean someone who was light hearted and carefree. That is certainly not what it means now is it? Another one is “love”. This word is now so grossly misused that a new word has been developed to take its place – “cool”.

Much of this can be laid at the door of advertisers and ‘spin doctors’. They will use anything, image or word, to get their message across. Sad really; it is misleading and certainly not ethical.

Fathers and children

We fathers, it goes without saying, have quite a responsibility when it comes to our children. Now, take a case I am aware of as an example, of a man who loves his child but who is, I sincerely believe, building up a future problem for this toddler.

I know that he has had an issue with his father. The treatment he experienced as a baby and young child – rough handing, and being held down and tickled until he lost his breath, reached such a point that to avoid it he retreated, ran away and tried to hide from his father. This irritated his father who called his son ‘disobedient’ and ‘naughty’ and a ‘trouble maker’. These labels have stuck, even though that child is now a father himself. Unfortunately that young boy did not get the emotional support he craved and needed from his mother (for a variety of reasons which many women will pick up on). He grew up knowing that the only ‘demonstration’ of love that he would ever receive involved something that he considered unpleasant, being rough handled and held down, powerless and then being tickled until he could not breath.

He is a kind, generous and highly intelligent young man, but, this (borderline) treatment, which he experienced, he is now perpetuating with his young child. The family situation is, fortunately, quite different in that the mother is very loving and supportive and has a very calming influence on the father. However, the little child, who is also highly intelligent, with a sweet nature, is now running from the father, which irritates him. The child has learned (at 20 months old) that to fight just provokes him to do some more, and if it does not respond or cries then one of two things happen. Either the father stops, which is good, and/or it brings a supportive response from the child’s mother, which is also good. But what is not good is that the child, who loves the father dearly, does not then get the attention needed and craved for, from the father. This also gets him frustrated, because he loves his child, but, for the reasons explained, he can only resort to the limited range of appropriate responses in his repertoire.

Already at this tender age, one can see a calculating look in the little child’s eyes. “Do I let him love me in his way, because I love him, even though what he does is really against my wishes?” The concern is that it will grow up with a distorted knowledge of ‘love’. We can never be careful enough with our children and the way we treat them. What we do lives on.

Why aim for vulgarity?

I know now that I have reached a certain status in life! This morning the bus driver tilted the bus, to make it ‘kneel’ for me, to reduce the gap between the sidewalk and the bus step. It was a nice gesture – one not often bestowed on me!! Not that I really need it. I can make the step easily, even though I have a ‘bad’ knee which is shortly to be replaced with a new metal one.

Be that as it may, the bus driver’s gesture reminded me that what we do is a reflection of our thoughts. If our thoughts are ‘good’ then what we do will be more likely to be ‘good’. The reverse, by the way, is also true. It is just the way it is. We find it difficult to do things that a go against the ‘grain’ of our thoughts and feelings. Obviously we physically are capable of doing this, but we feel uncomfortable about this and, in the long term, continuing to do so will cause distress in one form or another. Remember, however, that we only do things if we see some benefit in it for us. This at least is true for me.

Following on from thoughts and things, there are bumper stickers. While I have nothing against bumper stickers – some can be very amusing, there are those with “Bad Bitch”, or worse, written in heavy gothic script. And then there are those decals of a WWII German Army helmet (with SS insignia) covering a skull with crossed bones underneath, stuck on the rear window. What are these people thinking? Why the apparent desire to associate with ugliness and unpleasantness? Why the acceptance of vulgarity and the wish to reduce everything to its lowest common denominator? What do people hope to get out of these displays? What benefit do they hope to gain? Notoriety? Being different and standing out from the crowd? There are more pleasant and uplifting ways of doing this.

No need to wonder why there is so much unhappiness and violence around!

Perfect or Complete

Why is it that when I achieve a goal in life, or something I have striven for, I am often dissatisfied or have a feeling of anti-climax? Is it because I always seem to strive for perfection instead of completeness? Perfection is an impossibility, given the human condition. Completeness on the other hand is quite feasible – difficult but feasible.

What then is completeness? To be quite honest I am not sure. I know that it will be reached by my trying to be more of a human’ being’ rather than a human ‘doer’. It will mean facing my faults head on. It will mean me taking full responsibility for my actions. It will mean me trying to be more aware of the impact that the things I do and say, will have on others. It means, in other words that I have to try to be more ethical in my relationships. It means treating others the way I would like to be treated. 

We have a relationship, of some sort at least, with everyone we meet – our dentist, friends, shop attendants, our motor mechanic, family members - who ever.

This does not mean just reading a book on self improvement, though that would be a start! Any change must come from a deep desire to change for the better, and we can all get ‘better’!! I know that it is hard to accept, but it is not possible to grasp at some "self improvement" idea and apply it externally like an ointment, and expect to get ‘better’. I know some people (myself included) who will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own being (souls?). Practice yoga, go on a new diet, or mechanically intone a mystic text from some arcane publication - all because they cannot (or will not) get on with understanding themselves, and they have not the slightest faith that anything useful could ever come out of their own beings (souls?).

We all can do it, we can all improve. It means, as George Bernard Shaw is reported to have said, “To dream of things that never were and ask ‘Why not?’”